Everyone knows manual focus is cooler...

My dad has this camera. He used to take it out when he was younger and snap photos along Kentucky back roads. I remember when he gave it to me, I was a teenager and didn't have a clue how to operate such a complicated piece of photographic equipment. Loading the film was one thing ... but then you had to figure out how to hand advance between shots, not too far - not too short. How to adjust for lighting. How to frame subjects. How to focus.

That was when I fell in love with the manual focus. You could shoot "artistically"... that is, when you weren't trying to figure out how to operate the rest of the camera. It required hand-eye coordination to reach that sweet spot where you had that bird sitting on that fence post perfectly in line. (Of course it took you longer than 5 seconds to get it there so 9 times out of 10 the bird had already found something more interesting and flown away.) This camera has little finger grips patterned all the way around the barrel of the lens. They effortlessly grip your fingerprints as you swing the focus in and out until you had it spot on.  You could feel the mechanics. Feel the glide. Combine that with what you were seeing through the viewfinder and if you moved slowly enough and concentrated really hard .... you could almost feel the focus.

Now....imagine that feeling. Hold it. You're line of sight is spinning in and out trying to grip onto something, anything that focuses clearly. Work...no. Travel...no. Running...no. Monotonous tractor work....ahhhh, there it is.

My dad is a farmer. He will always be a farmer. Even when he's retired. He'll be a retired farmer. As one of his children, I grew up here amongst grass, crickets, dirt, fresh air and summer winds. I understand, to some extent, what he loves about what he does. But its never more clear to me than when I get to work alongside him. There is something about the steadiness, the monotony, the air, the sun, something...that just gives you the answers to all of life's problems. "You can solve the worlds problems from a tractor," he says, "that is until you turn the engine off, then it all slips out of your mind."

My conclusion: Hay fields are giant labyrinths.

There is a theory about labyrinths today. That walking (whether a large scale one that you actually walk in, or a small scale piece that your fingers "walk") one can be used as a form of meditation. "As a meditation tool consisting of a walkable single line path, a labyrinth can be a source of solace and can quieten a distracted or over-reactive mind. When troubled by disturbing emotions or unfortunate events in your life, walking a labyrinth can help resolve your inner discomfort and still your mind enough for you to get clarity of what is going on (wikihow)."

I've been feeling a little off kilter lately. Second guessing myself, questioning things I'm normally rock solid on, etc. Just an overall feeling of insecurity, for no reason I might add.

I was helping dad with a hay field on the back of our property. Its a lovely field, secluded, bordered with large trees and a pond to one side. As I start cutting grass to bake and dry and in the sun, I end up making and sweeping back and forth pattern. Easy turns on the ends, methodically cutting my way across the expanse of the field. With each row completed, my head clears a bit more, dropping guards on the more complicated things that I'd pushed to the back burner. I begin to slowly sift through the shit that has been rolling around in my head for the last year. Self confidence, relationships, travel, goals, love, health, etc.

My life had been on auto focus for the last few years (New Zealand excluded). It was easy. Push button. Click. Memory created. I had lapsed into what I hate the most - living a life on the path of least resistance. Pffft.

That's right....PFFFFT.

Manual focus, my darling, my love. I need to relearn how to use you. How to see the whole picture by looking at the subject. How to frame my life. How to make memories with forethought, strength and beauty. Not memories lacking soul, cookie cutter in frame or out of focus.

I keep having flashes of dreams lately. I'm decked out in my polka dot dress and flip flops. On a beach. With this lovely, intelligent, hilarious man. Just walking. And its delicious.