So I believe in this thing called karma. Do unto others, etcetera, etcetera. I have never in my short life felt its effects so profoundly until recently. And never did i ever think that a piece of clothing could illustrate it for me. Least of all a girly red skirt.
I lost myself a long while back. Lost sight of goals, of genuine humor, imagination, creativity, the need for fresh air. All things that defined who I was as a person. This is the story of how I found my road map back.
I wont do into great detail here, but though a series of relationships (both platonic and romantic), I have discovered that I am a chameleon of sorts. I adopt traits of the people I'm around that I find amusing, beautiful and/or real. It took several years and a lot of painful situations to realize that this was the person that I was allowing myself to be. I caused a great deal of pain and unnecessary heartache to people who cared a great deal for me, and for that I will probably never be able to apologize properly.
There is this absolutely heartrending speech called "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. I still am ever grateful to the T.A. of my required speech class for forcing us to watch it. In it, Randy goes over the requirements for a real apology. They come in three parts:
1. Actually saying the words "I'm sorry"
2. These words should be followed by an admittance of what you have done wrong.
3. The third, and in my eyes the most crucial part, is asking: "What can I do to fix it?"
Its this last part that makes it a real apology, showing that you really and truly want to right the wrong you caused.
The wrongs that I've made make me who I am today. Without the guilt that springs forth from the pain I've caused I would be lost. Guilt and pain are my compass, steering me north towards balance, honesty and love.
The realization that I wasn't myself, but a collection of reflections of those that I placed on a pedestal, was not a kind one. I lost the confidence that I had scraped together after years of physical insecurity. I longed to be fitter, to be funnier, to be beautiful, to be fiery and passionate about life and love.
I stifled my insecurities and threw myself into work. Ignoring the weaknesses that I saw and flaws that I carried about my personality and body image. I focused on my brain first. Starting an imaging business, I relished creating beautiful things for people. Each client a new challenge. I threw myself into my career as a veterinary technician. Where can I improve, how many balls can I juggle at once. Can I fix a printer and start two rooms all while prepping surgery? (Im my head, yes. In reality, not quite haha.)
The hectic work hours that I had were a blessing. Distracting me from the life issues that I was facing. My professional life was strong as an ox. Personally? I was an awkward turtle.
Tackling this weakness next, I ended up in one of the most outright, honest, mentally freeing relationships that I have ever had.
What a feeling that was! I was completely myself. Awkward, nerdy, horrible timing and all, and he laughed not at me, but WITH me. It was the breath of fresh air that I needed. My self confidence began its climb back up the mountain.
Enter this blessed country: New Zealand.
Self confidence at half mast, I now focused on physical fitness. I wanted to fit into single digit clothes. I wanted to climb mountains on my crooked legs of steel. I wanted my summer skin back.
So I walked, and packed, and climbed, and walked some more. Sweat, sweat, sweat.
An amazing thing happened. I don't know if its the constantly changing scenery or all of the fresh air, but my imagination is GROWING. Each new view we see tells me a story. Metaphors are STILL flying through my head like comets. I can't write it all down fast enough.
3 days ago, in Queenstown, we stopped in a second hand store. I wasn't shopping, because I honestly didn't need to spend the money, nor did I need to stuff MORE things into my pack.
I saw a flash of red peek out from the middle of a rack. Pulling it from the line up I admired the cut and feel of the fabric. Its the PERFECT lindy hop skirt. Long enough to cover my silly crooked knees and cut in that perfect shape to fling out when you spin.
Looking at the size, there was a slim possibility that I might actually fit in it. In US sizing, it was an 8, not a stretchy jean fabric 8, but a "you better hope to god you're an 8" 8.
I slink into the fitting room, shimmy out of my jeans and pull this beautiful fabric on. Fit like a glove.
I cried like a baby. I looked like I had always wanted to look. Skin tight black tank top tucked into a high waisted bright red dream skirt.
Of course I bought it.
I tell you in all honesty, its all worth it. Every inch of shit that you will stomp through. Its all worth it for moments like that. Ignore the shit, there will always be more of it. Hold onto those bright moments, that's what makes it worth it.
If you're sad, figure out why. Find the source and confront it. Cut it from your life if necessary. If you're happy, say so. Say why and say it often. Let the people you love know that they are loved. Life is too short to do anything else my darlings.
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